Good Days, Bad Days

Right now it feels like my blog is a misnomer. I'm not busy. Well, I am, if you count sitting down, lying down and sleeping as busy. Watching family life happen around me, explaining that although we planned x, y and z I'm not up to even thinking about x at the moment.
I've finished work, and had a few days feeling great. Tired, but great. Then I realised I'd run out of iron tablets, and have had a few days of not taking quite as many (well, feeling great, busy, etc, it wasn't my priority). Oops. I'm hoping I'll go back to having a bit of bounce when I get more tablets. Loads of Spatone doesn't seem to hit the spot the same way.

The last couple of days I've been at my best just after the girls have gone to bed, after spending the mornings shattered, the afternoons napping and then slowly coming round from sleep. Its frustrating.

I know life slows down when pregnant, and I'm truly grateful I don't need to worry about being fit for work anymore- that really is a huge weight off my mind. My last day was Jubilee Tuesday, and I had my first pregnancy 'ohh, I know how to do this but I can't find the right button' moment.  My poor patient had to be very understanding while we swapped rooms so I could do my job, but at least there was a solution, and an hour later I could do that task just fine, without thinking. Glad that if it had to happen, it was on my last day.

I'm finding my head is going all over the place these days- I've had a few great days, full of plans and ideas, and considering 'big thoughts'. That ranges from when we'll plan to move again, and where we want to end up (DH has been to an inspirational permaculture place which has thrown in a whole new range of things to consider), to reading about Bobby Kennedy- wow, he sounded to have amazing things to say, especially for back in the 60s.
Here's a bit from wikipedia that caught my eye:



A good idea of his proposals come from the following extract of a speech given at the University of Kansas.







“ If we believe that we, as Americans, are bound together by a common concern for each other, then an urgent national priority is upon us. We must begin to end the disgrace of this other America. And this is one of the great tasks of leadership for us, as individuals and citizens this year. But even if we act to erase material poverty, there is another greater task, it is to confront the poverty of satisfaction—purpose and dignity—that afflicts us all. Too much and for too long, we seemed to have surrendered personal excellence and community values in the mere accumulation of material things. Our Gross National Product, now, is over $800 billion dollars a year, but that Gross National Product—if we judge the United States of America by that—that Gross National Product counts air pollution and cigarette advertising, and ambulances to clear our highways of carnage. It counts special locks for our doors and the jails for the people who break them. It counts the destruction of the redwood and the loss of our natural wonder in chaotic sprawl. It counts napalm and counts nuclear warheads and armored cars for the police to fight the riots in our cities. It counts Whitman's rifle and Speck's knife, and the television programs that glorify violence in order to sell toys to our children. Yet the gross national product does not allow for the health of our children, the quality of their education or the joy of their play. It does not include the beauty of our poetry or the strength of our marriages, the intelligence of our public debate or the integrity of our public officials. It measures neither our wit nor our courage, neither our wisdom nor our learning, neither our compassion nor our devotion to our country, it measures everything in short, except that which makes life worthwhile. And it can tell us everything about America except why we are proud that we are Americans.[48]


Wow. I know its all what ifs, but what if he had been elected president? What if he had actually been able to implement his words? How different would the world be today?

DH and I are very conventional compared to many our friends, but yet still have many who consider us a long way from mainstream, its a funny place to be. A friend mentioned to me this week  'Well, you probably even go to the dentists, you pay council tax- how unconventional is that?!' Good point. Anyway, back to Bobby, if the world changed the way he was heading with it (prioritising things I think are important!), we'd be completely mainstream.
However, as he mentioned above 'integrity in public officials' -I wouldn't believe a politician today who said anything like the above, let alone have any faith they could implement it. So it comes back to politicians who run entire countries yet you wouldn't trust them to care for your loved ones...when did corruption and manipulation become so acceptable?

On to other things- I've dug out an old sheet this evening that's ready for a new life, so have a few baby sheets to hem and finally getting around to starting to make some mama pads. I've got as far as considering a baby bag- specifically an Onbag, but it still feels a bit much. Some days it feels like tempting fate to prepare for baby- I don't know if I'm just having normal pregnancy paranoia, or if my perspective is tilted from work, or something else is going on. I know getting to this point doesn't mean having a live, or neccesarily well baby. Babies die at any stage in pregnancy, when they're born, or just after. Often with no 'reason' or explanation.
 With Big One I had firmly in my head 37 weeks, after that point I could consider having a live baby to figure out. That stage was from a young mum I scanned in my first year qualified, came in for a relatively routine scan, had felt baby move that morning- but I had to tell her that her baby was dead- a complete shock to her. I don't remember being quite as concerned when expecting Little One, but I'm sure I had my moments. Since Little One two bloggers I follow have had babies who died at birth/a few days old, and I sometimes it feels like tempting fate having a third child. This time around, well, I've felt so ill all pregnancy I've barely had the energy to think,let alone consider the future when bump lands- but I've talked to both girls so they are aware babies can grow fine inside mummies tummies but not always live when they are born. I really hope that I'm just having a gloom and doom day today. Thursday was a really positive day, and that wasn't long ago.

Sunny Day!

I've been lucky enough to have a days holiday today- wow, sunshine! Lucky for me the weather has been lovely today, and a bit of sunshine is fabulous for brightening everything up.

This is meant to be my last full week at work, but taking 2 days to recover from working one day last week made me rather scared of working 4 days this week.

So, Monday I begged and pleaded (officially far too late to ask for time off this week), and Tuesday afternoon they were sure enough of enough staff, so today I didn't have to rush out the door for work.
Instead the sun was already warm, so the girls and I popped down the garden for half an hour to weed a little patch. The girls disappeared quickly- one was entranced by a tiny snail and another was busy with the scooter, so I was able to attack the creeping buttercup. It still works best if I'm on my knees- standing up digging isn't for me these days, but I got a little patch clear. So sometime soon I hope to get some peas planted.

The plan after that was very fluid, with much indecisiveness, but ended up with me sitting in the shade all day. I was able to read my book in peace (yippee!) and eventually I moved shade patches to chat with friends. Being outside was lovely, seeing friends was fabulous, children busy with other children was great. DH did his thing with providing hammocks for children to play in, toilet escort, etc and I was given crochet inspiration- water bottle cover in progress.It would be fabulous to have photos to illustrate a lovely day- but we were far to busy living it and didn't take a camera. Sitting doing very little has been exhausting though, and I think I might be racing Little One to bed again today- last night it was a very close contest. On the plus side- I haven't actually had a nap today, so I must still be on the mend- that's better than last week.
Tomorrow to work, and Jubilee Day to work- and I think I can do that- phew. Iron tablets, tissue salts, spatone, spirulina- some/all of that is making the difference and I'm really glad to feel halfway human again!

My lovely sister-in-law gave me a sewing machine last week (very generous lady!) so next week I'm looking forward to remembering how to use one, and getting on with some different projects. Exciting times.

Hyperemesis

My new best friend.

I've been off work for a week now, and the GP wrote hyperemesis on the form. I suppose that's not quite right, as from what I can understand I should be losing weight, be dehydrated, etc and I'm not that bad.
It is pretty severe morning (afternoon and evening) sickness that didn't stop at 12 weeks (hyperemesis can continue all through pregnancy, but does usually improve by 21 weeks so that's the next milestone I'm hoping for - if the magic 'feel better' week doesn't happen sooner), and I'm throwing up enough I can't really function.
With the last week away from work I'm slowly learning what helps, and what doesn't. Sleep is good, especially in the afternoon. Eating too little, eating too much, eating the wrong foods, not sleeping, not resting, bouncy children at the wrong time of day, trying to finish something,worrying, moving too quickly, moving too much all make it worse. Basically lying in bed not moving is usually good, and sometimes sitting up is fine- but not always.
I had a good day on Saturday, I even felt daft having my bucket with me when we were at someone's house. Sunday I had a couple of things that needed doing, missed my afternoon nap and- wham. Throwing up again.
I'm getting frustrated- if I do nothing I can feel well enough to see things that need doing. Then I try to do them- and feel ill again. I am actively missing having a TV now- I am perfectly designed right now for being a couch potato (with my bucket handy).
I can't help but feel (today!) that the challenges of caravan living aren't helping. 6 weeks until we get the keys to our house back- but I really can't think of an alternative living arrangement for those 6 weeks that is workable. Short term lets are expensive (and fairly grotty looking), and nothing is 'very' handy for my work. Another idea of mine is us getting a car in addition to the van- additional expense but I wonder if it might ease something? I can technically have time off for a relaxation class from work- but the one I've been to the last few weeks is a Thursday morning- I'd want to scan my first patient and then go- not really fair on my family to hang around for all that just so I can drop them off then go to my 2 hr class without inconveniencing work too much. I wonder if the relaxation is helping a bit with the sickness- it certainly helps me concentrate on the positives when its all getting to me.

I've had odd days of feeling up to doing a bit of simple crochet- I think its probably averaging a little over a square a week- a square takes about half an hour to do, so not much but at least its something constructive from all this sitting around.

DH is fabulous, he's been managing breakfast and bedtime routines single handed for months now, as well as everything in between. He even got a load of nice cakes for my work when he took my sick note in- and I think his life is much easier when I'm at work instead of taking up caravan space and an additional person needing looking after.

I have one more week of my sick note. Still hoping for a miracle recovery, but also worrying a bit about if this doesn't get better- in a way being off work hasn't helped me get better,its  just proven that if I rest and sleep lots I can actually keep food down, but the symptoms come straight back when I do anything.

EDIT- Reading this back, I've managed not to mention the various 'treatments' I've been trying. From extra B vitamins to stem ginger, dark chocolate (a small square when I'm starting to go urrghh but can't actually sleep/eat/whatever  I need does help for a while), several tries with acupuncture/acupressure (got more energy but hasn't helped the puking, a variety of advice (eating before sitting up, something in the middle of the night, etc). I'm getting closer to trying homeopathy again- I was all for going what sounded right from a book (cheap option!) but a friend has dissuaded me from that, but also not convinced me that one remedy will really help without tying in my other symptoms- and at the end of the day a homeopath is bloomin expensive.

Why I've gone quiet- really

Apologies for the quick snap- its a bit dark at this time of the day, and the scan pic is on very shiny paper.

Well, the short answer is early pregnancy and living in a caravan doesn’t go so well together.

Baby is due in July, all being well. We’ve let immediate family know, so it feels right to share it here now.

This time, just to be different, my early pregnancy symptoms have included puking most evenings, and being extremely tired. With the girls I’d been extremely tired, extremely nauseous, but not actually puking. I am sure it’s just the one.

Living in the caravan when feeling so rough has been quite a challenge. Thankfully DH has been wonderful, he’s had to do absolutely everything and has done it all extremely well. The last couple of days I’ve been feeling a bit better- could be due to a few bank holidays meaning I’ve had a bit more rest from work. Being able to rest in the afternoon has certainly helped. Or even maybe the sickness is passing- I hope so!

With me struggling so much with the pregnancy side of it all, that’s the main reason  I'm struggling in the caravan and we’ve given our tenants notice.

Christmas and the couple of weeks before have felt really busy for us- nothing compared to usual ( what with no shopping, baking, cooking or xmas cards happening) but its been pretty tiring. Both girls have been excited about being in a nativity. Little One in the one from her nursery, and Big One went to Sunday school twice with grandma, and that worked out she could be in the church nativity at the Christingle service.

Church normally only features for us, at my insistence, going to the minster Christingle service annually with Dh coming along begrudglingly once J was big enough to come. Grandma had just asked to take Big One to the service once after bellringing, we didn’t realise she was going to Sunday School. However, as the following week was getting parts for the nativity at the Church Christingle service, we made the best of it and Big One was in the nativity this year. Note to self- children in the nativity don’t get Christingles, which is quite upsetting for a girls who was too excited/nervous to have a snack before hand. We had a proper melt-down!

Christmas has been busy catching up with our families, and New Year has been more quiet,which has worked well for me and my symptoms. I've even planned, shopped and cooked a meal- I can't remember when that was last a pleasure to do (and I normally love cooking!).  DH's sister and grown up child have come over from Oz, so its been good to see them too.
 Little One has been a bit poorly the last few days, and has a mystery rash which appeared last night- why do our children mostly only get ill enough for me to consider contacting doctors at bank holidays?!. I’m doing my usual panicking about chicken pox, but we don’t know what it is.My midwife has done a great job of reassuring me about implications for me and 'baby' (someone who does answer her phone even on New Years Eve, bless her). If Little One's rash is still there Tuesday we’ll see what a GP thinks.