Saturday 9 June 2012

Good Days, Bad Days

Right now it feels like my blog is a misnomer. I'm not busy. Well, I am, if you count sitting down, lying down and sleeping as busy. Watching family life happen around me, explaining that although we planned x, y and z I'm not up to even thinking about x at the moment.
I've finished work, and had a few days feeling great. Tired, but great. Then I realised I'd run out of iron tablets, and have had a few days of not taking quite as many (well, feeling great, busy, etc, it wasn't my priority). Oops. I'm hoping I'll go back to having a bit of bounce when I get more tablets. Loads of Spatone doesn't seem to hit the spot the same way.

The last couple of days I've been at my best just after the girls have gone to bed, after spending the mornings shattered, the afternoons napping and then slowly coming round from sleep. Its frustrating.

I know life slows down when pregnant, and I'm truly grateful I don't need to worry about being fit for work anymore- that really is a huge weight off my mind. My last day was Jubilee Tuesday, and I had my first pregnancy 'ohh, I know how to do this but I can't find the right button' moment.  My poor patient had to be very understanding while we swapped rooms so I could do my job, but at least there was a solution, and an hour later I could do that task just fine, without thinking. Glad that if it had to happen, it was on my last day.

I'm finding my head is going all over the place these days- I've had a few great days, full of plans and ideas, and considering 'big thoughts'. That ranges from when we'll plan to move again, and where we want to end up (DH has been to an inspirational permaculture place which has thrown in a whole new range of things to consider), to reading about Bobby Kennedy- wow, he sounded to have amazing things to say, especially for back in the 60s.
Here's a bit from wikipedia that caught my eye:

A good idea of his proposals come from the following extract of a speech given at the University of Kansas.

“ If we believe that we, as Americans, are bound together by a common concern for each other, then an urgent national priority is upon us. We must begin to end the disgrace of this other America. And this is one of the great tasks of leadership for us, as individuals and citizens this year. But even if we act to erase material poverty, there is another greater task, it is to confront the poverty of satisfaction—purpose and dignity—that afflicts us all. Too much and for too long, we seemed to have surrendered personal excellence and community values in the mere accumulation of material things. Our Gross National Product, now, is over $800 billion dollars a year, but that Gross National Product—if we judge the United States of America by that—that Gross National Product counts air pollution and cigarette advertising, and ambulances to clear our highways of carnage. It counts special locks for our doors and the jails for the people who break them. It counts the destruction of the redwood and the loss of our natural wonder in chaotic sprawl. It counts napalm and counts nuclear warheads and armored cars for the police to fight the riots in our cities. It counts Whitman's rifle and Speck's knife, and the television programs that glorify violence in order to sell toys to our children. Yet the gross national product does not allow for the health of our children, the quality of their education or the joy of their play. It does not include the beauty of our poetry or the strength of our marriages, the intelligence of our public debate or the integrity of our public officials. It measures neither our wit nor our courage, neither our wisdom nor our learning, neither our compassion nor our devotion to our country, it measures everything in short, except that which makes life worthwhile. And it can tell us everything about America except why we are proud that we are Americans.[48]

Wow. I know its all what ifs, but what if he had been elected president? What if he had actually been able to implement his words? How different would the world be today?

DH and I are very conventional compared to many our friends, but yet still have many who consider us a long way from mainstream, its a funny place to be. A friend mentioned to me this week  'Well, you probably even go to the dentists, you pay council tax- how unconventional is that?!' Good point. Anyway, back to Bobby, if the world changed the way he was heading with it (prioritising things I think are important!), we'd be completely mainstream.
However, as he mentioned above 'integrity in public officials' -I wouldn't believe a politician today who said anything like the above, let alone have any faith they could implement it. So it comes back to politicians who run entire countries yet you wouldn't trust them to care for your loved ones...when did corruption and manipulation become so acceptable?

On to other things- I've dug out an old sheet this evening that's ready for a new life, so have a few baby sheets to hem and finally getting around to starting to make some mama pads. I've got as far as considering a baby bag- specifically an Onbag, but it still feels a bit much. Some days it feels like tempting fate to prepare for baby- I don't know if I'm just having normal pregnancy paranoia, or if my perspective is tilted from work, or something else is going on. I know getting to this point doesn't mean having a live, or neccesarily well baby. Babies die at any stage in pregnancy, when they're born, or just after. Often with no 'reason' or explanation.
 With Big One I had firmly in my head 37 weeks, after that point I could consider having a live baby to figure out. That stage was from a young mum I scanned in my first year qualified, came in for a relatively routine scan, had felt baby move that morning- but I had to tell her that her baby was dead- a complete shock to her. I don't remember being quite as concerned when expecting Little One, but I'm sure I had my moments. Since Little One two bloggers I follow have had babies who died at birth/a few days old, and I sometimes it feels like tempting fate having a third child. This time around, well, I've felt so ill all pregnancy I've barely had the energy to think,let alone consider the future when bump lands- but I've talked to both girls so they are aware babies can grow fine inside mummies tummies but not always live when they are born. I really hope that I'm just having a gloom and doom day today. Thursday was a really positive day, and that wasn't long ago.

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